ironic

i saw alanis morissette in concert on Saturday - words truly cannot describe. a master – an artist – a true inspiration. watching her is like watching a sculptor create a masterpiece out of a mound of nothingness. the epitome of a musical artist – a lyricist, songwriter and performer. she sang each note with conviction, each word with honesty, each movement with uninhibited freedom.

it was actually quite liberating to watch someone be so free that it made a mass of individuals ranging from every race, gender and sexual orientation be able to let go and be apart of a single pure moment.

a sociologist by the name of robert bly describes our insecurities/ development as a long bag we drag behind ourselves. it’s a metaphor for the “baggage” we all carry with us. i tried to tell molly about this bag and her reaction was “wait what? where do we get this bag?” i think she thought it was something you could pick up at the GAP or maybe comes for free with a purchase of $30 worth of Lancôme products at Lord & Taylor.

when we are born our bag is empty. e live life unaware of social expectations and do what we want. if we want to cry we cry, if we want to dance we dance, and if we want to touch ourselves under the diaper because it simply feels good we do so against the glaring eyes of aunt ida in the corner.

throughout the socialization process of our culture our bag begins to be filled. typically our bag is filled with the same things that our caregivers carry with them – the same insecurities. we are taught to deny sexuality – it goes in the bag. we are taught that boys don’t cry – throw emotions go in the bag. we are taught that girls are passive – gently place aggression into the bag.

in short - when all is said and done - there is a base amount of emotions allowed to be felt by men and women. women are allowed to feel every emotion except for anger, contempt and pride – and yet the only emotions allowed to men are the ones forbidden for women.

everything else - emotions/ feelings/ actions – gets placed into the bag. once in the bag these emotions, things, parts of an individual identity do not die – they become blocked from our lives, we forget their existence. by the time someone hits their twenties their bag is overflowing. they are filled with the insecurities of high school, the resentment of sexual urges and an ever-present feeling to be in a place in our lives where we have been told we should be.

after this period – we spend the rest of our life trying to sort things out. if we’re lucky we realize that the bag needs to be opened – to self examine everything that makes us tick and re-examine everything we denied ourselves. we learn to love the aspects of ourselves that we assume are not good; for the items in the bag are not things that we disapprove of but of what we think others will disapprove of.

watching alanis tonight was watching a person carry a bag so light that she could fly. with her lift powering the masses you could feel a collective weight being resolved as our bags were inspected.

alanis has an openness about her that cannot be denied. when she felt like ticking she ticked, when she wanted to run she ran – she wasn’t scare to leap and if she wanted to twirl on stage for 2 minutes, well god-dammit she fucking did it.

as this magical experience took place – i looked around to the balcony (from my seventh row orchestra seating – thank god I make enough money to take advantage of the privileges of capitalism) and saw a group of drunken frat boys singing along to hand in my pocket; i look to my right and see a group of truly scorned middle aged woman going crazy to you oughta know; a gay couple holding hands singing to ironic; and a single man just loving life.

a truly pure experience transcends any group and brings out the freedom that we all crave. this is the freedom to express ourselves, to be honest with our feelings and the joy of being apart of a unified group in a society based upon preconceived notions and stereotypes.

maybe I’m reading too much into things – but looking around at that group of people i couldn’t help but smile. let me break it down – i love britney spears more than anything – potentially the greatest performer of our generation. i love celine dion – the greatest technical singer since sound recordings began. mariah carey – the greatest selling female artist of all time.

britney performs, celine sings, and mariah does everything else. really mariah does everything that alanis does (singer, songwriter, performer, producer – the list goes on and on) – but what lacks is the basic emotion that can hit you at the core. alanis did it for me – she did it for us all.

in ninety minutes of watching an individual live for the moment – uncaring and unapologetic - i learned how to heal myself. just think what would happen if we surrounded ourselves with this type of energy on a continuous basis? not faking through life as one of pure optimism or facing the world with a smile on our face – but of being true to yourself, living life with your innate gifts given to you.

i say open the bag – see what’s in there. if it’s shitty – well let’s deal with it. but I know that the majority of my bag is filled with gifts that I was nervous about sharing, ideas and actions i was to scared to commit too or show to the world. i bet you have the same.

so let’s make a deal – one week of purity, of true honest emotion and acting with uncaring regard to the opinions of others.

i have a feeling this is easier said than done but i think I might try and give it a whirl.

if you do the same – let me know how it turns out.

moments...

i woke up in a semi-drunken stupor the other night and couldn't stop thinking. i grabbed my paper and jotted it down. now you might be thinking "mark, are you really that egotistical that when you wake up in the middle of the night with a random thought that you must write it down as if someone will care?"

I respond with a "Yes." then i sober up and realize - "hey, i'm alone in bed with a bit of a hangover" so i go back to bed to sleep the buzz off - either way - here it is.

I was just thinking of the year & half i just wasted with someone.
But after some thought i realized i don't regret a month with him or a year gone by but the moments that they were comprised of.
A moment of bitterness could have been one of happiness.
A moment of tears could have been one of laughter.
A moment of complete and total detestation could have been one of reveling in the beauty of another.
In short - don't regret the time past but the moments missed.

really - everything i said is true - to a point. but is a moment worth cherishing measured by one where a task at hand was accomplished with the intended end goal achieved?

when you think about a day of running errands, doing laundry and paying bills you think "wow - i accomplished so much today." well - maybe you did but you didn't do anything to make you happy. that day, in the grand scheme of things, was just as wasted as my year and half.

but that too is living in a negative light - i turned a year and half of my life into a bad experience when really, for the most part, it was wonderful. i had, for a time, a great friend and felt at peace. it did come to an end but that's part of life - just like life, all great adventures have to end at one point.

yes there were moments of tears, bitterness and total detestation (sorry xxx, but it's true) - but that's not the whole story. through this time i was shown a new broadway show that i could truly relate to, i learned that i could be in a city that resembled a giant, real-life episode of "cops" and still enjoy myself, and i had constant moments of self-revelations ranging from love to hatred but learning along the way how to deal with both.


i'm not sure if you know this but i enjoy oprah.




she had a young girl by the name of charise on her show last year and i fell in love. yet another young girl who could belt out a power ballad - my dream in life.

last week she brought her back - she had been following her all summer. she was a young girl from the philippines. she watched her father pull a shotgun on her mother and point it at her head. the only reason she survived was because charise's screams alerted the neighbors. that day her mother and charise left - they lived in dilapidated conditions - at times being homeless. through that time she entered singing competitions so they could splurge and buy a pizza off and on. she stuck to her dreams of a better life, followed her talent and this is where she is at today.



she knows where she came from - she can't forget her past. but there is no bitterness in her. she lives life in the moment that it is - unpredictable and usually spectacular.

i'm getting ready to move out - for my first time completely alone. i hope i take advantage of this situation and really learn to appreciate my life completely - aside from the negative but within all of the opportunities that are innately in front of me.

in 1997 oprah introduced the idea of a "grateful journal". it's an easy concept. everyday write down five things that you are grateful for.

i didn't like that specifically but liked the idea. every night i would pray (stop chuckling) and afterwards i would go through the entire day. i didn't want to just think of things that made me happy because i generally wasn't - that would be ignoring the majority of my day. so i thought of everything that happened to me - the good and the bad. the bad stuff - think about, think why it happened, learn from it and then simply move on. the good stuff - truly think about it. what happened, who was it with, how did i feel.

it's amazing how many good things happen throughout the day that just pass you by. they don't have to be moments where your life was changed but something as simple as how you made someone laugh or someone you like smiled at you.

through this simple process - my whole life changed.

this is something i think i'm going to start up again - its something i need. i always talk about these funks i get into twice a year - where i just despise the world and hate my place within it. i'm starting to think that maybe those are the only times out of the year i'm truly feeling anything - the other weeks i'm simply letting life and my emotions drift by me.

i need to live again.

anyone want to join?

cum dumpster

have you ever been used?

eh - we all have.

but on different levels.

as you may, or may not know - i have made a plethora of changes over the last year and half. they range from being completely content with being single, to dating a boy, contemplating marriage and eventually moving in with said boy. after that there was a break-up, a continuing co-habitation situation and thoughts of an eternal friendship.

in the end - they have all fell apart.

but i wouldn't trade my experiences for anything. i've learned so much about myself, life and relationships over the last year.

in the past i've been in relationships i didn't care about and have been used. i feel recently i have been in relationships where i did truly learn to love, but was ultimately used in the same manner.

i hope the next time around i can find an equilibrium - a situation where i can love, trust and feel as one.

but if i don't - i feel confident that i'll be fine with myself and the people i surround myself with.

i won't make the same mistakes twice (or in reality a third or fourth time - i've lost count).

no eggs and bacon? i'll just have the pork with a side of belly - preferably fetus filled.

So.... Much..... To.... Talk.... About....

i swear i'll update soon - i went to iowa, started school, went a few days without touching myself. so much to pass along.

but there is one thing that can't wait. i just watched the RNC.

i love women - i like boobies, i like emotion and an overwhelming abundance of hormones every 28 days - when it is checked by a man.

but palin - is f*in crazy

"our country needs more energy - our opponent is against producing it"

"victory in iraq is finally in sight and he wants to forfeit"

"terrorist states are seeking nuclear weapons without delay - he wants to meet them without conditions"

"al qaeda still plot to inflict catastrophic harm on america and he's worried someone won't read them their rights"

does anyone realize that this bitch is crazier than a night out with reagan and betty ford doing lines of coke with a cross-dressing hoover?

of course obama has reservations about off-shore drilling. maybe she hasn't read the reports but if we start now we won't see in reduction in price or increase in production for over a decade. maybe he's worried about a more current solution that doesn't include the wallets of billionaire heiresses (cough* insert cindy's name *second cough - insert hack *off-spring of current president* end mucus filled hack)

victory in iraq? please bitch - show me one thing that says victory.

obama wants to meet with the heads of state? wow - that's an option? i thought we just got congress to approve wars based off of fake intelligence and then call anyone who questions it "un-american"

and i'm sorry that someone want's to follow the laws of our nation and those set forth by our international alliances/ agreements. reading rights? how absurd. jesus christ!

i bet palin considers being a minority a form of affirmative action. "we let you live in our country for free (as slaves for a while - with free transportation), have access to equal public education (only since 1954), then expect the doors of the white house to opened for them (probably by a whitey, no less)."

she said that we need to believe that breaking the idea of the glass ceiling is not over. does she not realize that she is a recycled version of the mondale campaign of 1984 (though he had multiple women in consideration from Geraldine Ferraro to Dianne Feinsten who had political experience back to 1961 - though sadly they didn't have palin's looks/ snarkiness and physically blessed children which must mean that they are some how more capable. but honestly - i hate her but i'd fuck her son and her future son-in-law). if hillary wasn't so viable and you're "soul-mate" wasn't perceived as a geriatric (true) white (true) guy (true) on his death-bed (potentially true) you'd be no where.

why don't you just cross that bridge you apparently rejected and go "no-where" - if you're such a great mother and against pork-bellies maybe you'd realized who was porking your daughter.

ps - does anyone find it odd that a woman who gives birth to her first child less then 8 months after getting eloped and now has a pregnant 17 year old daughter is opposed to sex education?